Today was a fairy tale. No joke. We began by leaving Redwood National Park, only to find that Oregon was the most interesting place we had yet traveled through, filled with wondrous creatures and adventures. Even before we had left the redwood forest, we had a rare encounter with the shepherds of the trees, otherwise known as ents. They rarely wander very close to anywhere people live, and so they were quite surprised to see anything moving so quickly through their forest. Thinking us to be a threat, one picked up the entire van, giving us quite a jolt. However, seeing that we were humankind (a race which is included in the old rhymes of the ents) and obviously harmless with our small knives and dearth of axes, we were soon set back down and permitted to continue on our way.
Soon after entering Oregon, we began following the Rogue River up toward the higher elevations of the Cascade Mountains. Little did we know that this was a river that was aptly named, as bands of elusive warriors inhabit the nearby woods and occasionally come out to waylay the innocent travelers along Oregon’s Scenic Byway. As you might expect would happen to such hardy adventurers as ourselves, we soon found our way blocked by a fair sized raiding party in the bottom of the rocky canyon which provided no easy means of escape. Now of course we began the encounter by pretending to be the poor, innocent college students that most assume us to be, though all the while we were formulating a plan to rout the villains and escape unscathed. Surrounded by rogues, we sprang into action, each attacking with a weapon cleverly concealed under his clothing. Despite the nearly two to one ratio of the rogues to ourselves, we soon won the day with our expert hand-to-hand combat skills. Keegan, with his magically carved staff, took on five of them at a time, though he laid several low from a distance with a toxic gas spell even before engaging.
Having escaped the villainy of the Rogue River rogues, we made our way further into the Cascades, a mountain range fraught with danger if ever there was one. We found ourselves surrounded by a hardy coniferous forest, and then snow began to appear on either side, growing deeper and deeper. Soon it was falling from the sky as well, rapidly developing into a blizzard which left the road impassable, despite the best efforts of our mage Keegan to clear our way with fire spells. Conveniently, however, there appeared to our east a gaping black maw – a tunnel just large enough for our van to pass through, leading straight under Crater Lake. We quietly made our way through without arousing the suspicion of any enemies for most of the way, but then of course David had to go and start throwing rocks into the underground lake, waking up the fabled Crater Lake Fire Demon who had been buried under the lake for thousands of years. In a final harrowing flight, we fled out the other end of the tunnel, yet to our horror Keegan exhausted the last of his power in order to keep the Demon from being loosed upon the world, falling into the great bottomless pit in the process. We left the tunnel in deep sorrow, yet we had no choice but to press on or risk being overrun by goblins.
Finally having crossed the mountains, the climate turned much drier and we found ourselves in a vast land of plains and rolling hills, with few other inhabitants in sight in any direction. A few brave farmers worked their fields where water could be found and suitable defenses had been constructed against the frequent raids by orcs and wargs. We were able to have a much needed respite from adventure for a few hours as we traversed the monotonous landscape. So monotonous was the scenery that the fairytale feeling soon began to wear off. It was a vast expanse to cross, and our supplies of food and clean water soon ran short, and in spite of our best efforts Stephen contracted dysentery incredibly fast and died.
Though nearly immobilized by grief, we forced ourselves to continue onward. Our quest led us to Yellowstone, and nothing would stop our getting there. We had to carry the evil and abominable Spork of Death and cast it back into the boiling hot geyser where it was forged, or else risk the spread of a great evil (sporks!) across the world. Sporks work as well as neither forks nor spoons! How could anyone let such an abomination exist upon this planet?
Our final adventure of the day in Oregon involved an old abandoned mine shaft that we (by this time only Josh, David, and myself) happened to notice as we drove by. Our curiosity – and perhaps a will even stronger that was not our own – led us into the dark opening. As we continued down the shaft, the temperature oddly did not decrease. Instead, it increased to become nearly unbearable, and suddenly we found ourselves in the presence of an unfortunately very alert red dragon and his massive treasure hoard. We had quite a time convincing him that we were just curious travelers (he came very close to eating Josh), but fortunately we are incredibly cunning and thus were able to escape with our lives and one golden spatula. Then, to add to our joy Keegan returned to us (wearing a white robe for some reason), having defeated the demon and resurrected Stephen on the way back to us. Needless to say the return of both our companions thought lost quite improved our outlook for the rest of the trip.
After this we soon crossed into Idaho – back out of the Oregon Fairyland and into the mundane modern world. We nearly lost two of our number, but we are still journeying nonetheless. We can only hope no more ridiculous adventures will cross our path before we reach the mystical land of Yellowstone and the end of our quest.
Now, of course, in all this adventure, we were far too engaged to take any pictures of our assailants and surroundings, so of course we’ll just have to leave the visuals to your imagination.
With adventurous vigor,
Dan
P.S. Nothing actually happened today. We just drove. A lot. Oregon is really a quite boring place.
I kind of thought Stephen wrote this entry until I saw your name at the bottom. Now I think you should both write books. Or maybe even co-author one.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a little bit to realize that this whole post was mythical mischief and not just a fantasy twist on reality. Now that I know it's fake, I find this quite amusing! I applaud you on your LOTR based fable, it was very funny (except when stephen died). Good thing boring drives can provoke your imagination and entertain us. Good job! :)
ReplyDeleteWell, Stephen dying of dysentery is actually from Oregon Trail - not from LotR - if that makes it any better. And actually, most of the places mentioned (i.e. the Rogue River, Crater Lake, abandoned mine shaft) were real places that we passed on the drive. So it wasn't wholly fiction.
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